My poor, 'drunk', cranky baby boy.

My seven month old has been monitored pretty much since he was born for a possible hearing deficiency in his left ear. To date tests have always concluded with the Audiologist saying 'I think there might be a mild hearing loss, we need to do more tests to figure out what and where this loss is'.

Today she figured it out.

He had a sedated ABR (Audio Brain Response) test, where the nurse gave him disgusting medicine (chloral hydrate - and yes, that is what Anna Nicole died from!), to get him, and keep him asleep. This is the second test like this he's had, since the first one couldn't be completed as he woke up before the Audiologist could finish her measurements.

He did a lot better than me and took his meds like a champ, but watching your baby go all limp and floppy in a matter of minutes is alarming, when you're used to seeing them gently lull off to a gradual and easy sleep.

Watching his head scrubbed and electrodes attached on his forehead, and around his ears, and looking at him laying there with wires from his head, his ears, and the monitoring devices attached to his feet is hard. Watching the look of concern on the face of the nurse and nurse practitioners when his oxygen levels aren't what they should be nearly makes me throw up.

I found myself choking back the tears and telling myself, 'this could be worse, lots of other moms deal with much worse things, count yourself lucky this is not some horrible, life-threatening situation you're in.'

Then I find myself asking 'Why should I choke this back?' - yes I know there are worse things, but it is still horrible watching this kind of thing happen to your baby, to find out whether or not he has a 'problem', and projecting about what that 'problem' will entail in the future.

I have stayed at home today and let him sleep, and cuddled him (as much as his sister will allow) when he's been awake. He's still floppy, acts like he's 'drunk' and he's getting cranky at times which is very out of character for him.

Today's findings are that he has a moderate problem in a specific hearing frequency. Definitely not a major issue, and hopefully not something that will require major intervention such as a hearing aid. It's still hard.

We now have to set up consultations with ENT specialists, and a Geneticist to find out what if anything has caused this and whether or not it is likely to get worse. He'll also be referred to an 'Early Start' program (whatever that is?) to monitor his speech development. I know these are all good things, that this has been detected early, that he'll be monitored in case it deteriorates and intervention can take place as appropriate. It also gives me a heads up that if there is a genetic reason that I can watch for issues in my other child. I still hate it.

I hate that I have to keep taking him back for more appointments.

I hate that he has to see more specialists.

I hate that they talk about hearing loss.

I hate that when trying to explain all of this to people they think something is 'wrong' with him.

I hate that my sweet, placid, loving, baby has to be poked and prodded and put to sleep.

I hate feeling like this is somehow my fault. Did something happen in utero?

I hate that he's all floppy still from the medication, and although he's trying to smile through it, more often he's looking at me as if to say 'what happened to me mom?'.