Wrestling with our Social Consciences.

At this point I'd say it's safe to assume that everyone is feeling the effects of the ongoing financial crisis. If not in tangible terms through a reduced income, lost job, or home foreclosure, then in the intangible terms of fear and anxiety over what may lie ahead.

I don't spend every day in angst over the state of the world's finances, and about unknown factors that could directly, or indirectly affect our family. I can't worry about things that I am powerless to control, (took me a while to get here, huh?). I do however have a heightened awareness as most of you do, that things are rocky and it seems prudent to take stock, pull our horns in and make wise choices that will improve our personal financial foundation.

As the holder of the purse strings, it falls to me to manage our household finances and I have recently taken steps to reduce our spending. My biggest success so far has been in reducing our grocery expenditure and our phone bill. I am couponing and learning from these wonderful sites and from local friends whom I've adopted as coupon mentors (they don't seem to mind!). I am enjoying pretty impressive savings, and get a real buzz in the process. We have also switched our phone service from a traditional phone company, to a Voice Over Internet Protocol (VOIP) provider and are saving around 75% on our phone bill, which is great considering the transatlantic phone calls we make.

My main reason for doing this was so that we can finish paying off my car and crank up our savings. In January our plans took a set back with the announcement from my husband's employer that all employees were subject to a pay cut. This was not entirely unforeseen since it's been clear that business is way down these days, but hard to take all the same.

After a day or so of figuring out what this pay cut would mean, and an overall assessment that we are lucky that my husband's job is secure (for now), we are grateful for what we have and for the fact that our frugal measures would stand to us with a reduced income.


While counting our blessings, we are acutely aware that so many people are not so lucky. As each day brings more stories of homeless families, desperate people taking drastic and desperate measures, some with devastating results my conscience is pricked ever more, what should I be doing, what can I do?

I have written about this kind of thing before, and have received great encouragement from others, especially from Jen at One Plus Two - but of course, excuses come up, busy life with my two kids, and focusing on what we need first... After an initial flurry of determination - beyond small financial contributions, my efforts to help are not what they could be.

I hear news stories about food banks running low on donations, about thrift stores seeing increased numbers of customers, and simultaneously receiving less in terms of donated merchandise.

And, I struggle. I feel like we're doing what we can to protect our family - and yet, knowing that we have so much more than other families, I feel selfish for taking measures that effectively leave me less to give. I feel guilty that this is what is happening in many homes across the country and is what is causing the shortages in the food banks etc.

My coupon clipping of late has opened up an opportunity for me to continue to save money, and still donate to the food banks - and this is great, but is not without some conscience wrestling on my part. The thing is - many of the products that go on sale at the grocery store, and for which there are multiple coupons each week, are for prepackaged soups, mac n cheese, canned meals etc. If I combine these coupons with what's on sale, I can get these items for pennies on the dollar oftentimes, and can donate them. I wouldn't feed these items to my family - and so I ask myself if I consider them not as good as the from scratch meals I cook myself, why do I palm them off as 'good enough' for a struggling family? I don't have the answer to this - I feel like a food snob, but I have to assume that some food is better than none for a hungry family. I can't shake the feeling though - maybe I'm over thinking it?

Meanwhile, I have a four year old whom is becoming increasingly inquisitive about life, and how she fits in the grand scheme of things. At Mass she sees the Poor Box, and the little Lenten rice bowls like the one we have in our kitchen, and she understands that these are there to collect money for those less fortunate. As much as a four year old can, she gets it that she's in a better position than some. Aware that she's of an age where I can start shaping in her a solid social conscience I try to encourage her to think of others, and I involve her in sorting through her outgrown clothes and toys and with a little persuasion, she will willingly give them away so another little girl can enjoy them as much as she did.

On Sunday, Miss E put the grocery bags in the wagon outside our church and expressed concern that we were giving away our food. What followed was a conversation that started off simple enough, 'these are extra things that Mommy bought so I could give them away for families that don't have enough to eat'... and ended up with me worrying that I was loading her up with too much information that might feed her rather active imagination and cause her fear.

So, I work on balancing that fine line of giving my child an appreciation of all the good things she enjoys that some don't without scaring her or rocking her securities. We have little chats now and then as the opportunity arises where I can reinforce the concept that we need to take care of ourselves, and those in our community.

Then I wonder, when I seem to think and talk about these issues way more than I act, I have to ask, 'how solid is my own social conscience?' 'What more could I be doing?'

I understand that children learn best from what they see - I know that my husband and I need to be the example for Miss E and her brother. Once again I find myself taking small steps to contribute in a more tangible and meaningful way. Recently, I participated in a small way in a local event that involved painting the exterior of a house for an elderly woman in town. While I didn't have Miss E with me, I did tell her all about it and her response was 'I wish I could come and paint and help someone' - she knows that I felt good having done it - and I'll certainly consider taking her to the next event. I'm encouraged that she's starting to form her social conscience, which is great considering that most four year olds are still pretty ego centric.

Our collective social conscience remains a work in progress - and I am all ears to any suggestions on how to more actively contribute with my time, particularly any suggestions that involve the kids.

Just because...

I'm not sure if this is the norm in every household, or if I'm particularly slack in the photo department, but I do have to confess that I have fewer photos of Jay, than I do of his sister at the same age.

I don't really have a good excuse other than when we're heading off somewhere, sadly the camera is the last thing I think to pack.

Thankfully, I know other, more organized moms, one of whom we met at the park on Friday for a play date.

She took these pictures of Jay enjoying his cupcake while his sister and her pals played on the slides.

I'm sharing them here along with the resolution, (it's that time of year after all), that I will be taking many more photos of my little man. So be prepared to be inundated with all his handsomeness!

"Busy but Benign"

That's what the surgeon said to me yesterday!

I have no breast cancer, and nothing to worry about!

He told me that I have Fibrocystic Breast Disease and the pathology findings were consistent with that condition.

The calcification they removed is benign.

You have NO idea the huge relief this is for me - aside from the obvious.

On Wednesday, I got a phone call from the Radiologist who did the biopsy procedure. Her information was slightly different.

She told me the calc was benign, but they found another area of 'disorganized cells' which in 30%-40% of times becomes 'something bad'. She also said it wouldn't show up on a mammogram until it was 'really bad'. Her recommendation was that I go ahead and have a surgeon do an excisional biopsy.

You can imagine what that did for the old stress-o-meter!

I went to my surgeon's appointment then waiting for him to tell me all of this too. He simply read the report through with me and told me I was in the clear!

I told him what the Radiologist had discussed with me - and he again went through the report telling me it said nothing about disorganized cells, no evidence of atypia at all - just healthy, albeit lumpy, tissue! And, under no circumstances did I need an excisional biopsy. He was quite irritated that I'd been told otherwise.

This surgeon is a very nice, very no-nonsense kind of guy. I trust him 100% - and happily take his diagnosis!

So a weight off my mind to be sure.

Now if I could just get my little man a clean bill of health we'd be good.

We were back with Jay at the doc's today - fifth time in 3 weeks. I think I'm due my own parking space there at this point!

Poor little mite after three weeks in which he's had croup, pneumonia, croup again, congestion and a bad cough (which I was paranoid was a pneumonia relapse) - now has an ear infection!

Please, please let this be the end of it!

Neurotic Mothers Can't Blog

At least that's the best excuse reason I have for being absent from my own blog - and from pulling my weight, er I mean, dropping my weight, over at this blog.

I've talked before about the guilt that seems to come hand in hand with motherhood. I've also written about what can happen in the blink of an eye, when I should have been a more careful mother. What I haven't written about until now is the neurosis that this guilt feeds which has a tendency to take over my mind and life at times.

Slackermommy* has a great phrase 'Freebies from God' in relation to the little reminders we get as mothers to be more vigilant. I used up yet another 'Freebie' in August with Jay - I'm not going to get into details because I can't - I can't deal with the tears, the images that haven't left my mind and the GUILT! Suffice to say that a blind cord was involved and we had a very, very close shave.

I read today that I'm not the only mom this has happened to recently - and I have had chats online recently with another blogger who had her own version of the blind cord story - but I will leave that story for her to tell.

These little incidences, because they literally can mean life or death - sharpen those nervous anxieties that every mother has. They have us chastising ourselves for not having every eventuality covered. For not acknowledging that our smart kids will out manoeuvre us on our childproofing efforts, (or that those efforts were not as thorough as they should have been).

My days now consist of running around the house keeping the little man out of trouble. If 30 seconds goes by where I cannot see him, or hear him - I nervously go looking for him, and retrieve him from whatever mischief he's getting into - and as any toddler mother knows - there's mischief aplenty going on!

Add to this that Jay has fluid in his right ear that meant his latest routine hearing check couldn't be completed. I shrugged this off as either the potential start of an ear infection, or the residue of his first ear infection that he dealt with while we were in Ireland in June which was treated with anti-biotics. My preferred approach to this would have been 'wait and see' - if it develops into something - we'll have it checked, and since he was due for his two year check up soon anyway - I saw no need to take him to the Pediatrician's before this. The Audiologist disagreed, and proceeded to make me completely paranoid that this was the sign of something that could bring further deterioration in his heretofore very minor hearing issue. So off to the Pediatrician we went - and were told - 'both ears look great - very slight amount of fluid in the right ear - but nothing near an infection, and certainly nothing that requires meds'.

A couple of days later we get a phone call from the ENT doc Jay saw last year. He received the report from the Audiologist on his latest test that there was a little fluid, and suddenly the ENT doc wants to see Jay? Even the Audiologist wanted to wait and see if the fluid issue resolved itself over six weeks - but this mother's nerves are already jangling about the ears, and a phone call from a specialist is almost enough to send her over the edge. More phone calls with the Pediatrician who as always is the voice of reason, and reassures me that we have the luxury of six more weeks - and if the fluid hasn't resolved itself, then yes maybe and ENT consult is prudent.

Throw into this mix that I had my first mammogram a couple of weeks ago. My baseline mammogram. Expecting to have it done, and sent on my way not to return until I turn 40, I was shocked to have to have extra pictures done of one side, and later be told that I have to come back in six months to have another mammo because they want to keep an eye on calcification spots.

The rational part of my mind is fully capable of recognizing that this is proactive health care and it's a positive thing. That being careful is the right way to approach this. That what I have is 'probably benign'.

But...

The emotional part of my mind goes NUTS at news like this. The 'what if it's not benign?' thoughts run rampant and squash out all the rational thoughts, and the result is a blubbering mess.

My great blogging friend The Laundress, has been through all this, and has been wonderful in helping me gain some perspective.

It was, and remains though, another thread of anxiety that's going on with me right now.

In a welcome distraction from medical thoughts, appointments or worries, we prepared and enjoyed a great joint birthday party for Miss E and Jay, last Saturday. (My Miss E turned FOUR yesterday!). We had a fantastic day complete with a bounce house, lots of delicious food and a great semi-homemade cake (ahem!).

I had two cousins here with me, with their families. One lives in South Florida and came up for the weekend, the other lives in Ireland - but is currently on vacation with her family in Orlando and since they were relatively close by, they came over for a while on Saturday evening. It really was like having a mini family reunion, Stateside. The kids all had a blast getting to know each other, and we enjoyed meeting (and cuddling) my cousin's newborn.

All in all, a busy but fun and relaxing weekend.

As you can imagine, many photographs were taken. And once I loaded them up on my computer and viewed them, the neurosis settled back in full force. In one photograph, one of Miss E's eyes is showing a very strange white reflection.

(I can't post it because several of my cousins' kids are in the picture and I know not everyone is comfortable with their kids'photos being put on the internet so I'm not risking their wrath).

Every morning I sit and eat my breakfast, and catch a little of the Today Show. When I saw that picture of Miss E, a segment I'd seen on a kid with a white reflection in their eye showing up in photographs being diagnosed with retinoblastoma came to the forefront of my mind and, I panicked.

See what I mean? NEUROTIC!

I wanted to brush the reflection off as a weird trick of the light, something to do with the camera. The odds of it being nothing were high since retinoblastoma is very rare. I can tell you that meant nothing to me - it goes back to that emotional part of my brain that completely overwhelms the rational part and so I was a blubbering mess once more.

Another trip to the Pediatrician's office, this time we were seen by a Nurse Practitioner who thought Miss E's eyes looked just fine but referred us to an ophthalmologist just to be sure.

We had that appointment yesterday and Miss E has 20/20 vision, and 100% healthy eyes. In this regard, I have peace of mind once more, even if it did mean enduring a bit of a condescending lecture from the eye doctor on what reflections are normal from a camera with a flash - whatever.

This is what's been going on with us lately - which combined with my borderline obsession with all things political, means I haven't had time to either process thoughts into coherent blog posts, and to my shame, means I'm not reading or commenting as much on the many blogs in my reader.

Once my nerves stop jangling a little, and (maybe) after Nov 4th, I'll be back in the swing of things, and embracing the blog world once more.

In the meantime - all you calm mothers, who take things in your stride - all and any recommendations for me on maintaining a more even keel, are most definitely welcome.


(*Sadly I can't link to Slackermommy's post on this because she's had some difficulties with her blog and has taken it down.)

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My little man is Two today!

Happy Birthday Jay! Love you all the way around the world, through the stars, to the moon, and back again!

What a difference a year makes!

Roughly this time last year, we were gearing up to see a bunch of specialists about Jay's teeny, tiny, little hearing issue. An issue that didn't feel so minor at times, but that only very sensitive technology can detect. Despite my gut instinct telling me he could hear just fine, that the technology was picking something up was enough to have me worrying myself sick over this.

I'm happy to say that my frame of mind, and attitude has improved a hundred fold since I wrote this in August last year. It took me a while - but eventually I let go of the worry and left it all in God's hands.

At our last Audiology appointment, the Audiologist was very pleased that everything was still stable, that Jay was obviously communicating, and she said she didn't want to see him for six months, instead of the regular three month appointments we'd been scheduling up until then. His last appointment was when he was 18 months, and he'll go again in October when he's 2. I am thrilled with this, since she had previously told me that she wouldn't stretch the appointments out until after he turned 2. The Audiologist is obviously content that he's developing fine, and for that I'm grateful.

The Audiologist did tell me that she and perhaps a speech pathologist would see him in October - and, they'd want to know how many words he uses. I've been keeping closer track of his vocabulary and am proud to say that he has over 70 words at 22 months, and is adding new ones on a daily basis. He is quite the little chatterbox. He also loves to sing and can pitch perfect, recite Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and the ABC song.

We're on the countdown now to this little fella's second birthday - something I can't quite believe. A feel sad looking back that I spent so much of his early months worrying every time I looked at him - wondering what he wasn't hearing. I know now he hears plenty - everything he needs to hear - and I trust and pray that it stays that way.



(Blogger is being a pain - and it's not letting me post my picture of Jay in his supreme cuteness - hmph!)

"Happy Mudder's Day"

"Happy Mudder's Day" - the happy greeting that Miss E has given me almost every day this week - she knew it was coming up and I guess she was covering all her bases by saying it every day to make sure she got it on the actual day itself.

Her Daddy had conspired with her and although she did very well in keeping secret what goodies were in store for me, she managed to let slip that there were lots of them, and they were all in Jay's closet - "Ret's go see Mommy!".

Last night when I kissed her goodnight for bed I said 'I'll see you in the morning - when it's Mother's Day' - she gasped, hands flying to her mouth. She went straight to Daddy and said 'Uh Oh! She telled herself! Daddy, Daddy, is it okay if she telled herself?'

I'm still giggling.

See my salute to all mothers, here.

Enjoy your day!

Uh Oh! We've discovered IKEA

We've been meaning to take a trip to the IKEA store that opened not long ago, about an hour from here. Today was as good a day as any so off we went.

We got there not long after the store opened - and it was kind of busy - by the time we left there was no room available in the parking lot, and we had people queuing up to take our space when we pulled out!

Of course, a few minutes into our browsing - I could totally understand why it was this busy. (Either that, or the weekend many people have their fists around their economic stimulus funds was maybe not the best one to venture out to check out IKEA).

Getting out of town was a tonic in itself, a relaxed drive (all the better for the fact that I was not the driver), gorgeous weather, a complete change of scenery. Little did I think I'd be positively bursting with excitement once I got inside those doors!

Zone after zone of beautifully pulled together rooms, many of which are not to my specific taste, but I can certainly appreciate that those with different lifestyles (probably without kids, judging by the number of white sofas!) could completely furnish their apartments or homes, in great style, without going bankrupt in the process.

We spent a good couple of hours browsing the showroom upstairs. Miss E and Jay content to play in the little staged apartment areas and people watch from the stroller, respectively. This in itself is a testament to how great this store is - because every other store we go to causes both kids to instantly morph into starving, whining, 'I need to go potty', 'This is boring', 'WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA' demons!

We've fallen for a dining room table and chairs - we hate our current one which is far too big for the space we have. The IKEA version is very much my taste, and seems to be of decent quality. Not exactly what you'd call an investment piece - but, with two kids the ages that ours are, whom have a tendency to scratch, chew, scrape, draw on any level (or unlevel) wooden surfaces we're thinking investment pieces are not the way to go for us for now. However, I need to deliberate over this one a little more to make sure that I really like it enough, and am not rushing into a decision simply because I want rid of our current set, stat. (Plus, going back to buy the table and chairs gets me another go around this paradise. Bwahahahahaha!)

We chose a great kids' table and chairs, and picked up a cute little wooden train set for Jay, and a darling ceramic tea set for Miss E (for half of nothing I might add). We rode the elevator (which was enormous and had me wondering if the Swedish population indulges in too many Swedish Meatballs?), down to the ground floor where I thought all we'd do would be to pick up the table and chairs and pay for our purchases.

HA! Those elevator doors opened and I think I might have squealed a little bit - a whole Aladdin's cave of goodies - housewares, storage, textiles, plants, basically everything you never even knew you needed, and more! Good job we'd stopped by the cafe and fueled up because you know that was another hour's worth of browsing. Thankfully Miss E's little legs were tired and she gratefully hopped into the shopping cart sans protest of any kind (again, this NEVER happens at any other store).

We're lucky we came away with as little as we did, and we're lucky this store is an hour away!

Looking for a fun family day out? Go to IKEA - seriously - you won't be disappointed!

Toddler Health Commandments

1. Thou shalt behave completely normally throughout the day - playing, eating and drinking just fine, then wait until your parents think you are safely asleep for the night to throw up your dinner all over your crib, your teddy and yourself.

2. Thou shalt not appear relieved at having emptied the offensive contents of your stomach, and wait until Mommy puts you down in your fresh crib before repeating the throwing up procedure.

3. Thou shalt continue to retch and heave unproductively for two hours (since you have eliminated that which would have sustained a small country, from your tiny body).

4. Thou shalt fool your parents into thinking that all is settling down by starting to fall asleep on your mother's lap - and giving her that double edged sword of feeling so sorry for you because you are unwell, but secretly relishing in the freedom she has to stroke your face and your hair, to hold your tiny feet in her palm, and trace the outline of your fingers in hers, without protesting.

5. Thou shalt disturb this calm in an instant by heaving again and necessitating a quick sprint to the bathroom sink - where bile is all that comes up.

6. Thou shalt proceed to go limp, and refuse to engage with Mommy or Daddy when we try to coax even the tiniest reaction from you, let your head and limbs flop and show absolutely no interest in your most favourite comfort object, teddy (the spare, non puked upon teddy - for Mommy is very clever and has prepared for instances such as these).

7. Thou shalt unceremoniously freak both your parents out so they start asking 'should we call the doctor?', prompting Mommy to phone Auntie Suzy for a second opinion - and she concurs that we need to phone the doctor.

8. Thou shalt [of course] do all of this out of office hours so that when the doctor calls back her advice is 'he needs to be seen, you must take him to the Emergency Room'.

9. Thou shalt perform your 'rag doll' routine for the Triage Nurse and get her just as worried as Mommy, so she asks for a second opinion. In the 15 seconds that it takes the second Triage Nurse to appear - you miraculously recover the use of your limbs, your head and your eyes and you're trying to sit up as if to say 'sick?, me?, nahhh'. Triage nurse is relieved, but still doesn't like your colour and sends us to wait in the huge waiting room crammed with people too poor to see a regular doctor, a situation that Mommy could write about for a long time! and backing up the doctors so that we wait for ages without anyone seeing us. Just as Mommy starts to question whether you should be in the ER or not, thou shalt throw up once more for good measure, just in case going home might have been an option at this point.

10. Finally, at almost 2am, when you decide you would much prefer to lie down in your bed and sleep, thou shalt begin to protest your snuggly place on Mommy's tummy, throw the wet washcloth from your brow and thrash teddy around in case the strength of your distaste for your surroundings wasn't getting through clearly enough.


Satisfied that you'd be just as well off sleeping this off at home, and happier that you were a bit better than you were when you arrived, Mommy decided to call it quits. Leaving the coughing kids, and those kids happily running around causing havoc, with whom there didn't seem to be much wrong at all, to tie up the ER staff some more - we both craved our beds and some rest and TLC is probably all you really need anyway - we went home.

But, please, Son, next time - try and fit this in between 8am and 4:30am, okay? So much easier on all of us.

When is a cold, not a cold?

Or, things that go through your mind en route to the ER at 5:30am.

* There's an unbelievable amount of traffic on the roads at that hour.

* Even school buses - school buses?

* I hope they get us seen before the 7am shift change that causes all medical staff to disappear for upwards of an hour!

* Did I over-react when I called 911? No I didn't - Jay was struggling to breathe - the doctor told me to call 911. He needed medical attention, quickly - this was the fastest way.

* I'm really not that great at handling stress or a crisis. How could I not remember the number of our house?

* Why was that EMS lady so obnoxious to me? Has she ever woken from a silent slumber to hear her child fighting for a breath? Has she heard that hacking, barking cough from her baby? Does she know how fast this can happen? Has she seen her child's eyes pleading at her from a pallid face for help?

* Why would she think I would 'drive like a crazy lady all the way to the hospital'? just because I said I'd drive him to the ER myself - I wanted to have my vehicle with me - I'm a careful driver, (aside from having this conversation with myself).

* Why was the EMS lady so rude to the Fire Service Paramedics who got to our house before her? Doesn't she know that stressed out parents really could do without 'attitude' in an emergency? At five in the morning?

* There really are a lot of cars out here. I'm glad I get to stay at home - it would kill me to start a commute this early.



J has croup. Having scared the life out of me, stressed himself out, and received two breathing treatments and three types of oral medicine - he's doing MUCH better. I don't mind telling you though, I was terrified. I've never heard anything like his breathing this morning and I hope I never do again.

I just felt so helpless.

Thank goodness for prompt EMS teams (even if their customer service leaves a lot to be desired), and great ER doctors.

I'll be nervous for a while to come each time either of my kids gets 'just a cold'.

I'm also having a hard time letting go of some of the things the female paramedic said to me today, and more importantly the way in which she said them. Two people I've talked to about it suggest reporting her - but I'm worried if I ever had to call 911 again (God forbid) where that would leave me if she happened to be the one to respond?

I guess I'll just focus on my little man and getting him better and let the other stuff take its less important backseat until I get over it.

Happy New Year

I have totally neglected this blog of late. Can't even muster up an apology either since we've been enjoying some quality family time, as Hubs has had some extra days off around these holidays.

Christmas was a blast in this house. The kids were royally spoiled by Santa and extended family alike. With our Anniversary four days after Christmas, I have to admit to having been completely spoiled myself over the last week or so, too.

As of now we have family already in the New Year in Australia and South Africa, the rest of our immediate families are about to celebrate in Ireland, and I am willing to bet that the four of us will be ringing in the New Year in snoozeville!

Miss E has developed an allergic reaction to something and is constantly breaking out in hives - over two week's worth of hives! This is affecting hers, and our sleep and so we have bumbled along the last while in a state of semi consciousness, desperate to catch a nap or a large dose of caffeine to stave off the yawns. We are investigating the source of this reaction - but to date, changing the laundry detergent and washing every stitch she wears or uses has yielded no improvement. Neither has switching to sensitive skin body wash. We can't pinpoint anything she's eaten either which makes me worry that she has perhaps developed an allergy to something that heretofore hasn't caused problems?

Miss E gave up a blood sample on Friday (with nary a whimper I might add!), to see if that will give the doctors any pointers.

If any of you have any experience with anything similar, or have any tips on how I may ease the itchies - please share! Benedryl is only working for her maybe 50% of the time.

Jay is going to take 2008 in his stride, literally. He toddled off on his first steps last night - AT LAST! At 15 months it's about time boyo! However, I think the 5 minutes of 'Yahooing' that his Dad, his sister and myself rather vocally engaged in right after he did it may have traumatized him because he hasn't repeated this performance at all today.

Anyway - to all of you (if there's anyone still reading!) Here's wishing you all the very best in 2008!

Crawling into a bubble.

This is what I plan to do for the next week or so.

I am not going to read or watch the news for the immediate future. I can't cry anymore.

Examples of some recent, local news stories:

Mother arrested in drowning death of her 10 month old baby after she left him alone in the bathtub for 10 minutes while she got her other kids ready to bathe.

Man in custody charged with shooting two gas station workers dead, and setting two women alight in a separate incident and seriously burning them, and shooting another man in the face as he tried to help the women. One of these women was 5.5 months pregnant - her baby was born by emergency C section and died a couple of days later. The other woman died last night.

School closed down yesterday as a result of rumours spreading that some kid was going to shoot someone. These rumours spread by cell phone text messages, and thankfully school officials took it seriously - but, what about the next day these kids have to go to school?

I know that these incidents are a harsh reality, and happen all too frequently across the world. I can't process it any more, though.

For just a few days - I want to take myself back to that fizzy anticipation of Christmas that I experienced, and enjoyed, as a child. Those feelings of pure delight and agonizing suspense where in my innocence, oblivious to the darker side of life, I waited for Christmas Eve and the often futile attempts to get to sleep early, lest the big guy in red catch me awake.

I want to relish in those same feelings that I see in Miss E, for the first time as she really grasps the idea of what Santa is all about.

I want to languish in the feelings of pure pride I have in watching her at her Preschool's Christmas Program, and that I am happy that in addition to the gift giving and receiving side of Christmas, she knows we are also celebrating the birth of Christ.

I want to hold on to the hope that Miss E and Jay represent for a future generation. That they will learn from us the value of their lives, and those of others and that they will never ever be so careless with them as others seem to be in this age.

I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about what I can do to help those less fortunate, and I have taken a few (albeit small) steps to actually do something. I will not stop thinking of these people, but I recognize that my own family are important, too, and I want this to be a truly magical time of year for all of us. I'm letting go of the guilt I have felt that depsite what I may sometimes dwell on as shortcomings in my life - I have it a LOT better than other people - I can't carry that anymore - yes I have it better than many - but it doesn't stop me wanting to strive for something better - I'm not going to feel ashamed of that any more.

So as my daughter and I immerse ourselves in gingerbread men baking today, and package up a couple of boxes of homemade treats for friends, I will pray that we can all enjoy a happy, peaceful, and Blessed Christmas.

Fourteen Months Already?

Today Baby J you are fourteen months old. Not so much a baby anymore. Time for a name change. From here on in we'll call you 'Jay' - which is how I refer to you from time to time.

The first year of your life has gone so quickly - and has been peppered with all these tests on your hearing, and on other parts of you, many times we wondered would it ever end? While you certainly haven't endured as many tests as some little babies, the fact that you are healthy, and developing normally has had all of us question why we're putting you though it all.

You have been a trooper throughout - engaging everyone in your beautiful mild manner, and your gorgeous smile. You have had CAT scans, sedated procedures, kidney ultrasounds, heart EKGs, Genetics, ENT and Neurology exams and each time we get a resounding 'NORMAL' back in the test results (well we're still waiting for the EKG results but it looks good that it is normal, too). Your Neurologist wanted to do a brain MRI, but on learning that you would have to undergo general anesthetic - Mummy and Daddy decided not to go through with this one, because nothing about you indicates an urgent need for this test and we don't want anyone putting you to sleep when we don't consider it absolutely necessary. We have one more little test, an eye exam which we'll put off until after Christmas - we all need a bit of a break. We think this test will be fine too, and hopefully after it's over we'll be in a position with the doctors to review everything and conclude that you have a tiny little hearing loss and that it is isolated and not connected to, or complicated by anything else. We will keep having your hearing checked to keep an eye on it - but we pray always that it stays stable as it is now and that it never gives you any bother.

You have had many lessons to teach us throughout the last 14 months, and some of them your Mummy has been a bit slow to learn.

You look at me with your huge blue eyes and your big smile and you reassure me that everything is, and will be okay! You have hit all your milestones on or before the 'normal' timeframes.

While I was feeling anxious in your younger months, you were busy growing in leaps and bounds - making your mark in our little family. Interacting with your sister - and holding your own against her (which is no mean feat!).

You started to talk and will now excitedly exclaim 'DADEEEEE' when you hear the kitchen door open in the evenings. You place your chubby fingers over your face and say 'Hidey' in anticipation of Mummy's 'Peekaboo'. You say 'Hi' and 'Bye' and 'All Gone' - and you have proven to us, and to professionals that you do not need to be assessed for speech issues!

You have taught us that it is okay for us to stand up to medical professionals and say 'enough', because you are doing so good.

You are such a wonderful little person full of character and fun! You are trying so hard to walk on your own but still have that little level of reservation (you get that from me!), and so for now you just grab on to anything that will keep you upright and push it around the house - the kitchen chair, your push along lion, the toy basket, your little train (that you can only push around if you're on your knees - how funny you look).

I can't believe you've grown so big so quick - but I am reveling in every little detail and enjoying you very, very much.

You are my sweet, loving Baby Boy, and always will be, no matter how big, or smart you grow to be - I love you so much and always will.