And so the guilt goes on...

I nursed both my babies, well beyond their first year. Miss E stopped at 17 months, and Jay has just stopped in the last six weeks or so.

Feeling all warm and fuzzy that I was creating such a strong bond with my children, and giving them the absolute best sustenance available. Nursing on demand just like the Lactation Consultants advised, and feeling not a little smug at times that I never had to feed either of my children formula.

Miss E was a demanding nurser - and it took 3 different attempts to successfully wean her. She wanted to be nursed to sleep at night. I did it - 'whatever works' being my mantra. She frequently woke during the night, and would not settle without being nursed. Again, 'whatever works'.

In her toddlerhood, used to nighttime milk - she got milk many times in a sippy cup going to bed. Pregnant with her brother and not up to a raging battle, every.single.night, I chose my battles. Unwisely.

Miss E is tremendous at having her teeth brushed - she (most of the time) happily lets Hubs or myself brush them, and brush them thoroughly, and the milk habit is gone - she has only had water at bedtime or during the night for a while now.

The damage was already done.

At today's lengthy first dentist appointment (at which she did so well), the dentist asked 'did she get a bottle of milk in bed regularly?' - and so out pours my truthful account as I've written here.

Miss E needs four (yes that's FOUR) fillings and I am devastated.

I was adamant that I would look after my children's teeth and instill in them matter of fact daily habits to protect and keep their teeth healthy and I have failed already.

In nourishing my child's physical and emotional needs to be nursed I've let her little teeth come under attack from the very substance meant to make her strong.

When I got upset and told them how guilty I felt at the office today - the assistant and the dentist both said they understood but that given what I told them they would have expected things to be worse, and that at least her brushing routine is good now. They also said they've seen kids in there a lot worse than Miss E - which is of no comfort to me whatsoever since they're someone else's kids - not my responsiblity, not my problem.

Miss E is my responsibility, as is the health of her teeth. She has to go back for uncomfortable treatment and nobody can tell me not to feel bad about this. I did this to her and I feel so damn guilty.