Some days it's hard to be a Mom.

After another trip to the Audiologist with Baby J, today hasn't started off well for us.

Back when I wrote this, we were looking at a mild deficiency, a hearing loss at 4000 htz (higher frequency) on Baby J's left ear.

Today the Audiologist is concerned because he's showing the same deficiency in his right ear. A change. A detrimental change.

I'm trying hard not to, but can I tell you that I am FREAKING out here? My head is spinning with questions - 'why is this happening?', 'what is causing it?, 'is it going to get worse?', 'is it going to get better?', 'is it just going to stay the same?' - questions that may be answered by an ENT specialist. A specialist that the Audiologist recommended we see when she last tested J in May.

Through a series of communication snafus we have only just managed to schedule his appointment with the Pediatric ENT specialist for next week. Three months since his last appointment and we're only getting around to it now.

Complacent in my 'it's only a minor issue' attitude, lulled into a sense of security by the Pediatrician and the Audiologist herself who claimed that a moderate loss on one specific frequency is nothing to be very concerned about - he'll probably do just fine, I didn't stay on top of the evidently incompetent support staff at the pediatrician's office, and so all these weeks went by without me questioning why they hadn't scheduled the ENT appointment for us. Maybe I just wanted to fool myself that he was fine, we'd get to it soon enough, and he'd turn out to be fine.

Procrastination has bitten me in the ass and I want to smack myself because this time it involves my son's health and that's a bloody serious thing for me to be so damn complacent about.

Did you know that hearing loss is the number 1 birth defect in the USA? So I'm told by the Audiologist. And my son has it - a defect. I hate medical terms. Defect? He's not defective! He's my beautiful, happy, loving, baby boy!

After telling me she didn't like the readings she was getting in the right ear, and recommending that we have him undergo another sedated ABR test (he'll be put to sleep so they can monitor brain response to auditory stimuli - for the third time!), the Audiologist looks at me and says,

'Mommy, I don't want you to be real worried about this'

WHAT?

You tell me that his hearing is now affected in his right ear - which was perfect up until now - and my mind is racing wondering if he's going to have progressive hearing loss, I feel physically sick to my stomach at the possible scenarios, and I am afraid, scared of what is unknown about what's going on with him and you tell me not to WORRY?

Sorry, I haven't mastered that particular skill yet - he's 10 months old - I will worry every waking moment and then some!

We see this ENT guy next week - for tests, examinations, head x-rays and blood work. More crap and procedures to put him through. We will also talk about the genetics of it all, apparently. Confused about the genetics element I asked the Audiologist was this just to determine family history (which we've given, in detail and there is no significant family history of hearing loss in either family!), is it for genetic counseling? She responded and said no, that it was to determine if he has a 'syndrome', of which hearing loss is only one element. Kids with these 'syndromes' can have eyesight problems, kidney problems, other physical issues - I think I wanted to throw up right there - I think I still might.

My husband is telling me to relax and wait to see what Monday brings. To think positive thoughts and not necessarily focus on all the potential negatives. It's hard - again it's because I can't stand not knowing - I need information, and while I have learned my lesson the hard way in the past that searching the internet for this information is a BAD idea - I really, really want to - I want to know, now!

More than all of that, I just want someone to tell me that he'll be alright - that it'll all be just fine.

Nobody can.